I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
