Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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