why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
