when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
