Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
