he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
