Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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