at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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