i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
