i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
nutella sex= disaster
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
