That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
