Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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