So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
