I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
