Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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