So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
