I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there's paper in my vomit.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So vagazzling was a success
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
