my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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