I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
