You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
