I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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