I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
