I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
