last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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