I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
