ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
