piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
