The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
