nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
