How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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