I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
