I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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