based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
