Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
