I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
