Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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