I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
