Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
