I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Drake has all the answers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.