my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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