all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We smell like vodka and hangover
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
