Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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