on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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