OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
