Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
