I just saw a hot homeless man
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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