i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
