I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
