I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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