That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
