I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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