what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
