Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
