Welp...herpes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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