please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
