I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
