So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
