He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
